#a little something about me

[ang3l-core]

Way past exhausted

Yeah I wish that I could get more sleep cuz I know that right now if I could just let me give myself a little bit it would probably would work some wonders but I don't think that you know for me just exactly how hard it is

I feel like I'm running on fumes most of the time just to keep this body, yeah just to keep on functioning

I'm kinda mad in a way that this is only vessel that I have and that I ever will and I have no spares for it so I can't just up and abandon it

I would probably would never be able to even keep it working without a schedule

Cuz if I had maybe just took a nap or ended up wanting to go to bed early I could miss the deadline to give it all the fluids, artificial foods and medicines that are now apart of my everyday regimen to make sure that I don't end up in even worse shape than this

And trust me I would protest but hey, god made the rules I didn't

So now all I have to do is just keep on figuring out how to live my life this way

So I'll stay up just to make sure that I take my heart medication just so I don't wake up a dehydrated tachycardic mess

And then maybe my nurse won't look at me so sad when she sees my bad vitals in the morning and then looks back at me to smile and say "don't worry it's okay, we'll just try again and hopefully it might be better the next day"

One thing that I hate most about having my chronic illness is that through every part of it I feel everything

Even right now and I know that I must also be a little extra tired and weak because I know that overnight that I didn't get to but I should've let my immune system do what every night it's supposed to do

I didn't get to give it the little extra rest that it really needs to keep on going like this and repair itself and keep me straight up so I can do the things I'm supposed to do

But it feels like I really have little choice cuz I feel way worse when I fall asleep a little bit earlier at the time when I'm actually feeling like I want to and then I'll have hours go by and I forget that I'm going without the stuff I'm supposed to take and then it makes all of my problems even worse

So yeah it gets kinda frustrating when it's like "damned if you do, damned if you don't"

I have alot of up and down, on and off days

I guess there's never gonna be this whole "normal functioning system" that's gonna completely perfect for me to hold my expectations to and it's kinda fucked that even probably if there is a way that I somehow do I can't really expect perfection when my body isn't even all working perfectly too

So I guess for now I might take the slight insomnia if it means that maybe for a few hours until I have to take all my things again I can pretend that I'm almost actually "normal" when I get to my baseline again before I get back to the same way I was that crushes all my hopes for that and makes me feel like I may break again

Or need to go to a hospital

But that's just how it goes health is a luxury and not everything is easy for everyone

It just sometimes seems like it is sometimes for the certain people who like to talk about things to you cuz they don't actually know what it's like to live life inside your body

Cuz it seems like people always forget to remember that experiences are different so don't expect everyone what's your face the same easiness or difficulty to live life the same way that you do

And I know that explain that to everyone isn't always easy cuz you can always make people listen and understand

But really all they need to know is we're both different you're not me and I'm not you

Cuz I really get that feeling like you're wasting your time getting tired trying to overexplain yourself about something sucks

You know I think that's why also I feel like sometimes I choose just not to talk to people about my moments when I'm in pain or when I feel like I might be suffering and I'll at times just stay silent but I also feel like I shouldn't have to though

It shouldn't have to matter what you're talking about, you talking about how you're feeling while you're going through what you're going through is valid

I feel just like that's how some of alot of us feel when we're going through these things and we don't feel like we're being heard or we're dismissed and I think that that's why by now I can see why the most of us right now just feel like we're way past exhausted

[jkvjimin]

my boyfriend everybody:

this is a printscreen from his computer, check his nickname up there and what he's watching 😂

[inkskinned]

she's singing in another room and my dog is asleep at my feet. my grandma asked me why i haven't found a man yet and i laughed. oh, you know. i like my house clean.

my girlfriend is also my man is also "my partner" if i'm in a professional setting. yesterday we went to a ren faire and a man mimed at me - you're together? and at my delighted nod, his baffled, you're gay? made me laugh. a woman with rainbow hair said i love the two of you together. you're both so beautiful it's absurd.

my dad introduced my partner as my "..... friend. or whatever" the other day. he knows we're dating. in the same way, i was never able to get my sister's husband to stop saying that's gay like it's 2008. he still uses the word fa***t, and my sister's defense of him has always been well, he's just kidding.

my lover and i dance to old music in a tiny kitchen. we judge new music together and take food critique very seriously. we watch love is blind before we fall asleep and agree that if they had a queer season, it would be bloody but also make for excellent tv. of fucking course queer people would know someone for only 2 weeks and agree to get married. what are you saying.

at a bar with friends, a man puts his hand on my wrist. got a boyfriend? and yes, i do have a boyfriend, she's amazing. i am texting her while i wander around a gas station named after geese. i am visiting a swing state for a wedding. in the candy aisle i overhear: she's actually like a lesbian it's disgusting. two teenage girls with packaged sandwiches in their hands, giggling. no literally, like. i'm not, like. okay with her being there while we're all, like, naked and changing.

my girlfriend and i tailgate, drink gin and cider out of cups. from the frat group beside us, a man corrects himself with one of his friends: bro, i mean, nonbinary entity, and it makes everyone around him laugh, myself included. he razzes his friend the same way i would have killed for at 19 years old - like nothing happened, he continues: you apply sunscreen like an alien. he does a little sassy (and fairly accurate) dance interpretation of the motion. his friend is laughing so hard they're crying.

i am lucky, i live in a safe neighborhood in a safe state. my masc passenger princess comes up from DC. i drive her for an hour to where all the leaves are a violent arrangement of color. we walk along the trails, letting autumn into our blood. in this part of the state, there's a lot of pickup trucks and trump signs. when we chastely kiss before getting into the car, i accidentally make eye contact with a woman holding her child's wrist. she looks disgusted. she looks fucking pissed.

two hours later my girl and i are eating dinner on a patio, soaking in the last warmth of new england sun before the chill of winter sets in. we are giggling and trying to talk through plastic vampire teeth. at another table, i see a young woman sit up straighter. i watch her watch us. she blushes and takes her partner's hand from across the table. shy, like the taste of evening has just become something deeper.

it's worth it for this moment, i think. my lover is still humming the same song she's been singing for four days straight and i don't want to kill her for it. her guitar is beside my bed. her toothbrush is in my bathroom. in a few moments i will make us lunch. we are lucky enough to have found each other. it is lucky enough to be in love.

[stargirl230]

thanks for the light

I was just trying to figure out how procreate works but then the op brainworms got to me and 35 hours later here we are! can you tell I miss home-cooked meals :')

(no reposts; reblogs appreciated)

[hollis-art]

i keep seeing redesigns of them as humans so i decided to throw my hat into the ring

[egophiliac]

can't believe that skeleman has turned on us, and Halloween Prom is tomorrow.

(what a top-tier UM...we are about to be just totally obliterated in the absolute silliest way. what possible use could this power have outside of bringing us to the brink of utter holiday disaster.)

[lazylittledragon]

Dadstarion has me in a chokehold and the way you draw him being so GENTLE with Kit is so precious, I would die to see the transition from his new parent terror to how comfortable he eventually gets with him :O

of course he got there eventually <333

[comfymoth]

i’m mad this is my most liked post right now so look at my cat instead lol

[artkaninchenbau]

People keep on asking for more Baby Robin and Papadile so here is more Baby Robin and Papadile. Now never ask anything from me ever again

[puppyeared]

learned something about myself lately

[ang3l-core]

I'm not Sad

I convinced myself that I really was happy for a while until I remembered that I wasn't

And everything that I thought were things that had brought me joy had also happened to be things that I could only find outside of myself and never inwards whether it would be something that was materialized as a thing, or a substance or even like certain people

The point that I realized everything was actually after everything felt like it had changed for me and I didn't have alot of those things around me anymore

And then the only thing left that I had to entertain me was something that I never learned yet to love

And I guess that that would be my own self and I had never tried to get to know it cuz from a young age I think that I just had an idea of it that just gave me alot of disdain and made me deem it as either unlikeable or boring

Also even looking at it now I feel like back then I could love almost every other thing and every other person but still I couldn't bring myself to really like myself

And I really wish that it wasn't like that cuz that's really unfortunate

I feel like with discovering that it was just like I had just taken off my rose colored glasses and along with everything else it had just melted away all of the happiness of whatever was left that I had remaining inside myself just by forcing me to take in the actual honest circumstances of my reality

So yeah, as it turns out I wasn't that happy after all

So I thought that "now what ?" what could that mean for me now ?

That I maybe this whole fucking I really was actually depressed ?

Yeah I swear if that wasn't so crystal clear to me now I'd probably be still denying it yeah almost just like back then when I did

Cuz I would always do that all the time but somehow in an ironic contradiction, I pretty much proved exactly that actually I was

Even though I had tried so hard to make it like so believable that I wasn't it and not just to other people but also to myself

I would just keep on saying that "I'm not sad", "I'm not sad" just over and over on repeat like that

But the fact is that really in like reality I couldn't ever cope without of all the little mechanisms that I had

All the shit that had temporarily filled the hole inside of my chest with drugs , someone to lie to me that they really love me or having somebody to always keep me company and all the things that I could buy with money and shit

Yeah and my fault was never I saw no problem with that I loved all that stuff

Cuz as long as I had those how I could I even possibly have time to think that without it if I was

It's like it was all a cover-up

Yeah it was all just a fucking cover-up

And I feel like I can see all that now to keep on filling myself up with stuff as a distraction to draw my attention from thinking of the fact that there's something I feel like I don't have

And I hate that it took such a sad thing like having all of that ripped from my hands just for a second to see that without them now what did I have ?

Myself ?

And I said "no fuck that"

Yeah cuz that never seems to be what anybody really wants so if course I thought then well then how could I myself ?

And I feel like that was the answer that had almost felt like it unmasked me

And I looked at myself in a mirror at a face that I just couldn't force to still try and emote happiness in that moment

I felt like "wow I really didn't know that I actually feel that way and think so low of myself"

Because I really believed that even if I lost everything then I still have nothing else afterwards even if I had included myself

And it was like now all the proof that I needed for that was right there

"You're not really happy at all with yourself, at least not as much as you might think and you always need someone or something else to help you forget it"

So I really think that then that was the moment that I had actually found out

That "wow holy shit oh I might actually really be sad"

[doodledrawsthings]

dont worry about it au kuafu and yi

[inkskinned]

this is just my opinion but i think any good media needs obsession behind it. it needs passion, the kind of passion that's no longer "gentle scented candle" and is now "oh shit the house caught on fire". it needs a creator that's biting the floorboards and gnawing the story off their skin. creators are supposed to be wild animals. they are supposed to want to tell a story with the ferocity of eating a good stone fruit while standing over the sink. the same protective, strange instinct as being 7 and making mud potions in pink teacups: you gotta get weird with it.

good media needs unhinged, googling-at-midnight kind of energy. it needs "what kind of seams are invented on this planet" energy and "im just gonna trust the audience to roll with me about this" energy. it needs one person (at least) screaming into the void with so much drive and energy that it forces the story to be real.

sometimes people are baffled when fanfic has some stunning jaw-dropping tattoo-it-on-you lines. and i'm like - well, i don't go here, but that makes sense to me. of fucking course people who have this amount of passion are going to create something good. they moved from a place of genuine love and enjoyment.

so yeah, duh! saturday cartoons have banger lines. random street art is sometimes the most precious heart-wrenching shit you've ever seen. someone singing on tiktok ends up creating your next favorite song. youtubers are giving us 5 hours of carefully researched content. all of this is the impossible equation to latestage capitalism. like, you can't force something to be good. AI cannot make it good. no amount of focus-group testing or market research. what makes a story worth listening to is that someone cares so much about telling it - through dance, art, music, whatever it takes - that they are just a little unhinged about it.

one time my friend told me he stayed up all night researching how many ways there are to peel an orange. he wrote me a poem that made me cry on public transportation. the love came through it like pith, you know? the words all came apart in my hands. it tasted like breakfast.

[theabigailthorn]

"Good" Acting

i have a theory that a lot of people say acting is "good" when they're emotionally moved by it, and a lot of cishet white people have a lifelong habit of not listening or empathising when minoritised people speak, so minority actors get called "bad" even when they display some pretty fucking amazing technical skill

[poorly-drawn-mdzs]

Ghouls night out

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[bruciemilf]

Absolute “can my friends and I have a sleepover” energy